My friend gasps and looks at me as I take a long swig of my drink, teasing her. I’ve just given her the latest update on my love life and a look of confusion has taken over her face. She takes a deep breath to compose herself and asks me the one question she already knows the answer to: “Why did you do that?” I chuckle into my drink and look at her knowingly before replying, “For the record…”
“For the story!” we all scream together before bursting into laughter. My boyfriend knew exactly what I meant by that and, without sharing the intricate details of my love life, I’m sure many of you do too. With every bad (or just plain bold) decision we’ve made, declaring that we did it purely to add to the plot of our lives is something my boyfriend and I have used to define (and defend) the chaotic but admittedly fun our life choices. The phrases “I do for the story” and “for the plot” they have become embedded in the vernacular of our generation as we navigate our 20s and 30s. With influences drawn from tragedies and coming-of-age indie rom-coms and more distinctly social media platforms like TikTok and X (formerly Twitter), many of us try to inject a sense of drama, excitement and mystery into our lives by making some questionable decisions.
For some, the thought of our lives following a cookie-cutter path is, to be honest, boring. There have been times in my life that I have regretted choosing to do the “right” thing. I know it sounds irresponsible, but honestly, in some scenarios doing the right thing can be very safe and sensible. I recently saw a tweet that said, “I need something exciting, but not traumatic to happen,” and I’ve never spoken more.
In fact, I’m not sure what motivated me to make some of my boldest decisions. So far, it consisted of spending holidays with strangers and staying at their houses, dating men completely different from the “type” I preferred. Over time I got tired of always doing what people expected of me. I always expect to be incredibly humble and reasonable. I am known for doing the “right thing”. Not to sound like a cliche angsty teenager, but I want it Really live. I’m not even sure I know what that looks like or what that means, but all I know is that when I look back on my life 50 years from now, I want to know that everything I did was because I wanted to, that I focused on joy in every decision I made and most of all I had fun. Looks like I’m not the only one.
“I have no regrets because I said yes to adventure from a place of trust.”
*Stef
“For me, doing things for the plot wasn’t planned, it was more of an impulse,” says Steph*, 25, from Oxford, who asked not to be named. “I’m at a stage in my life where I’ve achieved everything I’ve wanted to and I’ve played it so safe, so I just wanted to make this year a big year by saying yes to adventure,” she explains to Unbothered. , revealing that her theme for 2024 is “joy” and “adventure.”
“I was the ‘good girl,’ whatever that means, [the] good daughter, good student… I stayed in church and did what others expected of me. Although I never intended to be that person, I guess as the oldest daughter it was an unspoken expectation. Due to [this pressure]i tend to overthink and struggle with anxiety so [instead] I just wanted to say yes.”
For Steph, saying ‘yes’ meant doing something unusual with a man she ‘just met’ in a ‘different country’. “And I don’t regret it.” he adds. “I finally feel like I have one real, funny and cool story for the first time in my life!”
Of course, there can be consequences, varying in severity, when you choose to take risks in life and dating. It goes without saying that not all risks are worth taking — and even spontaneous decisions should be approached with caution regarding safety and irreversible consequences. However, it is the fear of the unknown that has held some women, like Steph, back from the wild experiences they crave.
For black women like Steph, who have been labeled as a “good girl” for most of their lives, creating a different narrative about their lives, careers, relationships, family, friendships, and faith has made things more exciting. Society has set a blueprint for how we must we structure our lives and ultimately our stories regardless of how it makes us feel or whether it’s what we really want. The standard, “go to school, go to university, graduate, get a job, meet someone, get married, have children, grow old and die together” means that for some their story is already written before they even do. opportunity to live. While many people are happy to follow this neat path for their lives, what if you feel the call to take a different, unconventional path?
“It seems, especially for women, doing things that don’t follow the norm is considered unusual or out of character [because] We had to prescribe traditional gender norms,” Dr. Ariel Breaux Torres, a critical psychologist based in the US, explains to Unbothered. “Well, if you don’t live like that, down to what we have to eat, dress, present ourselves, it seems like something is wrong or even like we’re spiraling. When really, we have more choices and freedoms to decide how our lives will and should be. So maybe it’s not that people do it “for the plot” of their lives, but rather horizon what does the plot of their life look like.”
“I think people forget that we can define the plot of our lives. Traditionally and historically, its plot [women’s] lives have been appointed for us.’
Dr. Ariel Breaux Torres, psychologist
For Steph, “living for the plot” means finally having power over every aspect of her life. “I have no regrets because I said yes to adventure from a place of confidence,” she explains, “and knowing that it was actually what I wanted… I did a lot of unlearning, especially with heterosexual relationships and what it means to be a black woman in a — things like the culture of purity and shame [that have been] it was indoctrinated into us,” he explains.
Purity culture is a phenomenon promoted by evangelical Christianity, which teaches that abstinence from all forms of sexual activity before (heterosexual) marriage is necessary, as it is not only correctly way to have sex, but it also earns you “respects” from those who engage in premarital sexual activity. The roots of the culture of purity it can be initially traced to the colonial values of white supremacy, especially when white womanhood is upheld. It also helped fuel a moral panic in response to the AIDS epidemic and the rise in teenage pregnancies in the 1990s.
As a result of purity culture, current and former religious community members like Steph associate desire and sex with guilt, shame, and self-loathing, and thus have never allowed themselves to focus on their feelings in pleasure, without shame. Perhaps living for the plot allows people, somewhat subconsciously, to confront conflicting ideas about how they should live their lives.
“I think there are a few things that drive people to do things for the plot, especially with major world events,” explains Dr. Ariel “The pandemic reset, for example, put life into perspective for a lot of people — life is finite and not everything is promised — and I guess it makes you think you’re living life better right now and doing things you don’t you want to regret or miss opportunities. That’s especially the case with young people, I think with the pandemic, with so many young people dying, it’s made people change their understanding and so the consequences of doing certain things don’t seem to transcend experience.”
As fun as it is to do things “for the story,” it’s easy to forget that we’re not the main characters in other people’s lives, and they’re not just secondary characters in ours. Recently, this realization made me question how healthy it was to keep dating “bad boys” or going on vacations with strangers, just for the sake of the plot. In my self-absorption, my search for a more “exciting” narrative has led me to sidestep consequences, especially when they can involve other people and their emotions.
However, Dr Ariel made me think differently. “No one is fully equipped to deal with anything, even the best designers. Who can really know what will happen or how things will change? I think sometimes we underestimate ourselves [when it comes to] dealing with the consequences, especially of women, of our own action and society. Sometimes thinking too much can take the joy out of the experiences in our lives.”
And he’s right. Whatever we do or choose in life has consequences. Doing things for history frees us from the fear of judgment, humiliation and stigmatization of society.
“I think people forget that we can define the plot of our lives. Traditionally and historically our plot [women’s] Lives are defined for us,” suggests Dr. Ariel. “But sometimes, whether it’s good or bad, the decisions we make now are [about] living life to the fullest. We may think we should have done something different, but, especially when we’ve made terrible decisions, those are the things that define us, that make us our lives. It doesn’t mean we necessarily have to change the way we live, we just have to live and focus joy and fulfillment in every decision we make — life will always have consequences.”
“I don’t think doing things for history should be good or bad,” says Steph. “At the moment it’s fun, but the long-term effects were more important to me. [Living for the plot] it makes me more open to adventure, I can trust myself and my instincts a lot more, but it also gives me a sense of bravery and daring that I didn’t even know I had, so that’s what makes it worth it.”
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
This article was originally published on Unbothered UK.
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