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How the anniversary of the abandonment of a birth canal became the cause for annual celebrations may be a mystery, but we can all agree that adding cake was a top idea. However, while some people like to enjoy their birthday with a Victoria sponge and minimal fuss, I’ve recently noticed that others like to use the day to enjoy a My Super Sweet 16-style extravaganza, with their protagonists as the central hero.
Wanting big balloons and 700 photos capturing the day doesn’t make anyone a bad person — but being friends with a “birthday girl” often comes with a lot of expectations and expenses. What usually starts with one main event can often expand into a number of offshoots, including dinner parties and group activities, which require different outfits, locations and most importantly, cold, hard cash. For many of us, one day of fun results in many months of debt.
This is something 28-year-old Celeste* knows all too well, with a friend asking for a blast every year. “Most recently I spent nearly £150 ($188) on a meal because the venue had a minimum spend policy. I wish I’d been bolder not to attend, but she’s a very close friend and everyone else who was invited didn’t make a fuss about the cost, so I didn’t want to be the only one who attended and then be seen as a less-than-committed friend,’ she says at Refinery29.
In a cost of living crisis (where recent inflation rates have reached an all-time high), expecting friends to spend big on their birthdays seems woefully misplaced. According to the psychotherapist and Lisa Bruton Advisory Directory Member, the reasons some friends may behave this way may be something as simple as temperament. “Typically, people who want to celebrate birthdays with a lot of people are extroverts who like to have fun, party and bring people together,” she explains.
However, when it comes to ignoring costs, there may be other factors at play. “It can be a person’s background around money, where if they’ve grown up with money being OK, there’s a tendency to assume it’s the same for other people. Then, if you add that they’re in a profession where people earn similar kinds of amounts, they might not have their sights set on different spending capacities,” she explains.
Of course, birthday extravaganzas aren’t the only expensive events people engage in (often silently). With life’s milestones also coming thick and fast outside of birthdays, the feeling of overspending then carries over to bachelorette parties and weddings, and eventually to baby showers and baby showers. While it’s important to take every opportunity to get together with friends wherever we can, the pressure to celebrate — and be seen partying online — feels never-ending and requires an endless stream of disposable income to match.
For 27-year-old Patricia*, her friends have stepped up the celebrations for the past three years, meaning she spends around £200 ($251) or more per occasion. “The most outrageous [birthday celebration] i was going to birmingham for my friend’s “Dirty Thirty” and spent about £380 to £400 [$478 to $503] For Birmingham! Spending that kind of cash makes me feel anxious and I worry about money all the time, but I really value my friendships, so I feel obligated to go ahead and spend it,” she tells Refinery29.
But while the events themselves make for expensive weekends, the financial issues last much longer than a day. “I had to go back to ramen noodles for two weeks after spending too much on a friend’s birthday before. I want to be able to manage my time a little better in the future and maybe suggest doing something with them privately that I can afford,” she explains.
Communicating financial constraints with friends is something a financial expert and writer does How to save it Bola Sol is highly recommended when it comes to birthday events. “Start by being honest and direct by saying something like, ‘I appreciate the invitation, but right now I’m working to pay off or save for ‘X’ every now and then.” You just have to communicate that you are careful how you spend your money,” he explains.
Sol also cautions against getting too specific with comments about wages and incomes, instead suggesting cooler conversations about finances and how it affects people every day. “Start by bringing up casual money topics in conversations — things like phone bill increases, energy bills and rent. Share experiences, not numbers. When planning tours, ask what everyone’s budget is, give a range, and poll via group chat.”
Of course, discussing finances with friends is easier said than done, and it’s a historically awkward topic for people to navigate. For many, saying no to big events makes them feel like a bad friend — which is what 32-year-old Niamh, who preferred not to share her last name, is currently feeling ahead of a £500 (£629) birthday. travel invitation.
“Whenever I’ve gotten away with things in the past, I’m often ‘guilted’ by my girlfriend who acts like I’m letting her down. “I usually try to suggest something low-key or that we spend time together at my house or somewhere cheap, but I usually feel like I’m making her settle and she definitely doesn’t like it,” she explains.
Worse, on occasions where she has said no, Niamh says she felt like her friend was watching her actions afterwards. “If I’m out with friends or she sees me doing anything else (even if I haven’t spent money) she can get upset as she thinks I’m choosing them over her. It definitely affected our friendship and it’s a real sore spot,” she explains.
The animosity that can come from differing opinions on what to spend money on is something that Bruton says is somewhat inevitable in friendships, but must be exercised with caution. “To build strong friendships, you have to practice having differences, having different opinions and being able to prioritize different things. How much money you want to spend is no different than how much you want to date or have sex with people or drink or go out,” she explains.
Being able to set boundaries around finances with friends feels great in practice, but it’s often a shame that causes the discomfort of not being able (or willing) to spend. “If you’re asking a question about the budget, chances are other people feel that way too. It’s about communicating that you really want to take part and that the person really matters to you, but you also have to take care of yourself,” explains Bruton, noting that accepting your “financial reality” is better from creating resentment by over-bending someone else’s spending expectations.
Practically speaking, when it comes to turning down an expensive invitation, Sol recommends thinking about other opportunities to celebrate together. “Make an alternative suggestion by saying, ‘I’m watching my spending right now, but I’d like to celebrate in a different way.’ Then you can suggest a budget-friendly alternative, like a home-cooked meal or a home-movie night,” she explains.
Friendships can often feel like they are built on great experiences, the reality is that true friendships can survive slightly awkward conversations. “People have all different forms of currency, some can give the currency of time, the currency of care, the currency of humor — there are all these different kinds of currency that you can bring to a friendship. In a cost-of-living crisis, we tend to hone in on the currency of money, as it is what feels scarcest and most central to being able to live, but it would be reductive to think that this is what a friendship is all about. Bruton explains.
Being friends with people with high expectations is somewhat inevitable in life, but how we handle the situation is something we have complete control over. Whether you choose to communicate effectively about an expensive dentist payment or drop more subtle hints about raising the price of rent and food, honesty with friends is paramount to a healthy relationship. The more honest you are about what you can afford when it comes to celebrations (rather than making excuses), it means there will be less demand for future birthday plans going forward.
As we enter another year of rising spending, it’s important to keep in mind that friends who really want to celebrate with you won’t care how you do it, and they won’t pressure you into sticking to their boujee preferences. Understanding that they like to celebrate a certain way doesn’t mean you have to join in, and making cheaper plans outside of the main event is a perfectly reasonable proposition. Remember: Love doesn’t equal a £100 bottomless brunch.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
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