Five years ago, at a party at a friend’s house, I struck up a conversation with a woman I had never met before. It was surface level talk: work, dating, who we knew there. After minutes of mutual tepid conversation, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came out, I was distracted by someone I knew leading me into the kitchen. I never went back to the woman.
I didn’t think about it again until earlier this year when a friend let a little tidbit slip: Oh, you know he hates you. I was in disbelief. Apparently the woman despised me with such intense fervor that she still brought me around people to belittle me, and she had only done so the week before. “But why?” I cried. “She just hates you,” my friend shrugged. Our one and only interaction, to me, was so brief, so innocuous, that I found myself genuinely upset. At the same time, I was horrified to learn how much space I occupied in the mind of someone I had met for five minutes, five years ago, and never thought about again.
I suggested to another friend that maybe I should ask her to meet with me to smooth things over. “What sort of things?” he said. “You are not friends. It didn’t exist for you again until this week.’ He was right, of course, but I still carried on like a child for weeks, until one night, scrolling through social media, I discovered something that changed everything.
What is the “Leave Them” Theory?
“The fastest way to take control of your life is to stop controlling everyone around you.” It was the opening line of a viral TikTok videos with 29.1 million views seen New York Times Bestselling author Mel Robbins talks about something she believes will improve anyone’s life exponentially: the “Let Them” theory.
At its core, the theory holds that by worrying or stressing about situations, people, or their actions—over which we ultimately have little or no control—we cause ourselves unnecessary emotional and mental distress. In fact, by letting people do what they’re going to do anyway, you can see their true colors more quickly and then act accordingly. Do people writing make sense to you on the internet? Let them. Is a date not texting you back or ghosting you? Let them. Are friends blocking you on purpose? Just let them. Someone hates you and you don’t know why? You get my drift.
“The ‘Let Them’ theory is extremely valuable because it allows us to let go of the burden of responsibility for things outside of our control,” says the CCPA-registered psychotherapist and host of The Inner Child Podcast, Gloria Zhang. “The truth is, we can’t force people to behave in ways they don’t want to. Therefore, trying to control or coerce will always lead to more fear, resentment and unhappiness. By letting go of attachment to things we cannot control, we become free to focus our attention on things that are within our control. For example, trying to control someone else’s patterns or political beliefs will drive you crazy. But focusing on your own decisions, your thoughts, what you choose to eat, wear or say will lead to a greater sense of inner peace.”
I realized that it was no good lamenting the opinions of a stranger I had long since forgotten (the saying “It’s nobody’s business what people think of you” also comes to mind). She had nothing to do with me or my life, and if she wanted to spend five years of her energy hating me, that was up to her. It felt strangely liberating to not care. I began to apply the theory to other areas of my life.
Applying the “Leave Them” Theory to Dating
I was dating someone new. He was smart, fun, and sexy, things were going well… Except I had some reservations about whether he had the level of warmth, generosity, or kindness I knew I valued in a partner. Then I had a health scare. As my friends shouted around me – as people who love you are wont to do – pestering me mercilessly to find out when my doctor’s appointments, hospital scans and test results were, I noticed that he didn’t seem to care. I told him I was feeling anxious about it all, so he apologized saying it crossed his mind because he was so busy with work. But as time went on and the hospital biopsy showed, he failed to check it at all. However, he remembered to push me to a glamorous industry event that I had mentioned weeks before that he wanted to attend as my plus one.
It troubled me. I thought about bringing it up again, but stopped. I already knew he wasn’t right for me. He was who he was and I didn’t want to try to make him care about something he clearly didn’t care about. However, it reaffirmed that I had wonderful people in my life and was the blueprint for the level of appreciation and kindness I expected from a future partner.
A friend was also in a relationship with someone new. Three dates and it went very well. One afternoon, she hesitantly told me that she was afraid to sleep with him for fear that he would withdraw, or in her words, “walk away” from her. I was truly shocked that my wise, beautiful friend could ever think that something as archaic as hiding sex for any length of time would allow her to have a different outcome with a man. I told her about the “Leave Them” theory and said that if she wanted to have sex with him and was ready, she should. And that if he turned out to be the kind of person who cared about these things, she would have to leave him. In fact, the sooner he learns, the better.
In a video with 877.7K views, TikTok user Courtney Shields says: “You don’t want someone who isn’t what you’re looking for, and you won’t know they’re not what you’re looking for if you force them to be what you’re looking for. Someone will always show you who they are if you let them. The key here is when they do, believe them.” Let them go – there they were again.
The theory works to reduce a lot of the stress or anxieties many of us may have in the early stages of dating about whether the person we’re seeing is right for us. Worrying about what they might or might not do, trying to control the narrative, or even molding them into the mold we want them to fit can be tempting, especially if we like them. But arguably, the sooner you let people reveal themselves to you, the sooner you can tell if they’re right for you.
“When you’re in the early stages of relationship development there can be a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication,” she says Dr. Tara, tenured professor of sexuality and relationship communication at CSUF. “People bring their past experiences, perceptions and baggage to new relationships, making it difficult to accurately predict their actions. The “let them go” mindset works because it allows people to relax the control factor, navigate these uncertainties more gracefully, and focus on what’s flourishing in their lives. When it’s not a compatible match, there’s no need to waste time. If they treat you badly, you don’t need to try to justify their behavior.”
To be clear, the “Let Them” theory is not about sitting back and not communicating your needs and boundaries first, or not holding people accountable when they hurt you, or not making an effort to understand others. And that doesn’t mean it’s one size fits all. “I don’t think that mindset works well in long-term relationships because, in long-term relationships, you’re already past the stage of relational development,” says Dr. Tara. “You’ll want to try to understand their behaviors and find a solution together through conflict.”
It’s also important to remember that it’s not a rigid framework or necessarily right for every person. “The less support we had growing up, the more likely we are to be triggered by seemingly small events in the present,” says the UKCP-registered child trauma therapist Sarah Lee. “So I think whether or not you can just ‘let it go’ may depend on your background, your personality, your support network or your current circumstances. Some people may need more support to manage the feelings that arise or the meaning they read into, for example, being left out of brunch by someone who feels safer and is not triggered by feeling left out.’
“Any kind of grounding can be useful in this approach. things like breathing or meditation can help us accept our feelings or express them and let them go. If you journal, you can write down what you’re feeling, which can help you let it out. In the longer term, I would say if you know you have triggers from your past that you can’t manage, seek therapy or support if that’s an option for you.”
At the end of the day, it’s human nature to worry, and we’re all guilty at one point or another of trying to spin PR for our lives or create better outcomes for ourselves. But disconnecting and relinquishing control can really give you deep insights into whether a situation or person is for you. If the situation calls for it, express your needs and boundaries, but after that? Leave. The. I am going.
“The only downside to the ‘Let Them’ theory is that it means one-sided relationships will naturally disappear,” Zhang adds. “If you were always trying to control and make a relationship work, then of course the connection will disappear once you stop trying so hard. However, it’s not really negative because it frees up space for new relationships that are more aligned for you.”
Do you like what you see? How about something more R29, here?
Don’t go back to our friendship after you break up
Why the “F*ck It” mentality damages friendships
The holidays are over… And so is your friendship
