As part of my ongoing quest to improve and improve my wardrobe, I try out new fashion trends. I say trends, they’re really simple things that a lot of people have been wearing for years, but I still find them hilariously new: cropped baggy pants (i.e. pants with legs that look too short), tank tops (like a waiter’s vest but without buttons ), and really ugly boots and shoes which look like they were designed by a medieval stonemason. Specializing in gargoyle carving.
I didn’t feel like trying any of these trends. In fact it all made me feel so deeply, irrevocably unattractive that I didn’t even document the process in my usual humorous way. I just couldn’t do it to myself. I’ll wear any fancy dress suit for a laugh – I’ve even dressed up as a giant mouse for a Sky commercial – but I draw the line at some of the shoes I see for sale. And that’s not meant to condemn the aforementioned trends—some people absolutely do brilliant in the wide cut pants and I know you have to pick the right ones and build them right etc etc – I just don’t like them my.
Is it an age thing? All generations despise the fashion trends of the next and wonder what in God’s name is going on? Perhaps we are more deeply dependent on the dress codes of our respective eras than I previously realized. I’m Generation X – with a mustache – and my fashion rules growing up were:
1. Show boobs or legs but never both
2. Only wear a coat if it’s snowing
I think that’s why I’m now in a constant state of battle with my own wardrobe: I want to be comfortable, I want to be warm, but – thanks to living through my teenage years in the nineties – I’m still not convinced that an outfit is worthy of the outside world if it doesn’t hinder or inconvenience me in some way. If the skirt isn’t so short that I keep pulling it down, have I really bothered? If my heel height is not too high to walk at speed, then can I call myself polished? Am I pulling correctly if my pants don’t close me in the seam?
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Anyway, I think I’ve found a ‘trend’ that I can follow with – hallelujah – the leather (or leatherette) skirt. I realize this isn’t too wild or revolutionary for most, but in all honesty, I’m happy with myself if I can pull off an outfit that doesn’t double as sleepwear. If I can do something in the morning that isn’t a tracksuit, then I really feel like I’ve partially conquered the day before it even starts. So to wear a real trend? Is this relevant? I’m absolutely bloody pissed off!
And it doesn’t even require any sustained effort from me, this trend. It’s not a trend that makes me hold my breath all day (BodyCon) or avoid anything that might stain me (weird head-to-toe cream and camel trend worn by people who never come in contact with kids, pets or dirt) and it’s so versatile that I can easily do that thing that everyone talks about but no one ever, ever does, which is…“I take my look from day to night.”
Total urban legend. Have you ever changed your t-shirt and makeup in the back of a cab to “take your look from day to night”? Who are these people? Why have I never met them? Surely we all decide on an outfit for the day and gruntly say “we’ll have to”, regardless of the wild anomalies our schedule may have in store? And what is these wild anomalies anyway? Who is forced to sit in their office wearing a pinstripe suit until exactly 6pm, but then has to be ready to hit the red carpet to receive a Bafta at 7? Isn’t that something specialized? Yet every publication since 1999 would have you believe that everyone in the British workforce toils all day and then immediately heads off to black-tie dinners and fancy soirées.
Back to the leather (or alternative leather, there are many options out there) skirt. I love the tough, masculine feel that leather stuff has – it’s rock and roll, it’s biker, it’s punk, it’s….cowboys. But then you make it into this very feminine garment and it feels very unexpected. It looks stunning with a cloud-soft cashmere that’s lightly layered.
I think this is my favorite way – pictured on this page for your enjoyment. Other styling efforts haven’t been as successful – mostly because, as we all know, buying a new wardrobe item almost always requires buying more wardrobe staples because nothing already shows enough as you imagined. Suddenly you need boots of a certain length, or a sleeveless high neck top, or a top that’s almost identical to the one you already have, but a little more sheer. Anything else will do. Not. I am doing.
I can tell you things they definitely do not work with a leather pencil skirt: many other leather things. Add a leather jacket and suddenly you look like you’re extra Blue Oyster Bar. Add leather boots with any kind of pointed heel and you look like a dominator. The key is, so far – and I will continue to experiment – something nice and fluffy and oversized on the top half. It takes leather from a hard, tough kind of material to something tactile and beautiful and wonderfully soft.
Now I just need to find the right boots that are just the right length and I’ll be ready to conquer the fashion world…
Skirt, whistles here* (I’m a UK 10 and wear a size 10)
Cashmere jumper, Arket here* (I’m a UK 10 and wear a size S)
