My mom was horrified when I showed her my new acquisition Finishing Touch facial hair removal.
“You can’t shave your face!” she cried “Why can’t you just use nail clippers like everyone else?”
Pause for effect.
Can we please get a show of hands from anyone – anyone – who uses nail clippers to stay on top of their facial hair? I thought not. He could not have chosen a more impractical tool. It’s like going into battle brandishing a chainsaw – there’s more chance of mutilation the same rather than winning the race.
“I just hold the scissors like this,” she said, her head back and her chin up, “and I cut as close to the root of the hair as I can.”
“You can’t even see where you’re cutting,” I said, “you’ll end up cutting something important!”
“Well, I use a mirror, obviously.”
Mom’s cutting method is flawed in several ways: firstly, the risk of injury is high, even with the use of a mirror. Maybe especially using a mirror, because we all know how even the simplest tasks become impossible when you rely on your reflection to guide you.
Then there’s the fact that you’re not even getting to the root of the problem, you’re just cutting out the visible part. It’s a bit like weeding by pulling the tops. Is my mom going around the garden hovering over the dandelions? No it is not. He goes to his knees, pulling it all out.
And finally (although I can probably think of many more problems with the scissor method), how long does it take to shave an average chin and mustache area? Days! I’ll be tempted to open the scissor blades and run them across my skin for the sake of speed, old fashioned razor style.
“Oh my god I’m not doing my whole face!” my mom said. “You’re just growing longer hair, silly. The ones that are a few centimeters or very dark.’
That’s why we have different methods of removal, then: attitude towards facial hair. Mom: happy with the usual facial blur. The things we’ve all had, probably from a young age, but the things that 4K HD TV and high resolution phone cameras have gradually made me realize. He only gets annoyed with the longest black hairs – the rest are considered normal, like having eyes or legs.
“You wouldn’t shave them.”
My problem is that I look at my face in detail almost every day. It’s part of my job. I should disclose here that I’m not a particularly hairy person and my pigmentation is fairly fair, but since I’m testing makeup and skincare I spend a lot of time looking at zoomed in photos and videos. And when it’s not photos and videos, it’s the bloody magnifying mirror, aka The Portal of Doom, checking to see if a new foundation I’m trying has seeped into fine lines or migrated to oilier patches. And so not only do I see the longest black hair (although mine tends to be white, like Father Christmas), I also see the velvety peaches, so thick they’re like velvet.
I left the peach fuzz for a while because it looked like it exaggeration to start removing it; I pulled out the longest hairs with my tweezers (definitely my recommendation for nail clippers) and ignored the noise. But then I started plucking the slightly longer puff pieces as well as the hair, especially in the side gear area, and before I knew it, plucking all of the peach I erase with my tweezers. It took ages and it was really quite painful after a while….
…hence the news Final touches shaving machine. I haven’t charged it yet to try it, such was the ferocity of my mother’s reaction to it. I think he has visions of me getting a full shave, using one of those badger brushes to lather my face, leaning into the mirror like Desperate Dan. White vest, gun belt hanging over the towel, ten gallon hat resting on the shelf over the sink.
But I started with the massive tweezer so now there is no going back. The mustache hairs come back slightly thicker, so that when you’re watching TV you can find yourself stroking your stubble – because that’s what – sagely, like a wise old man about to make a relevant statement.
The only way forward is to continue with the total elimination technique – but with my new shaver it will be like (hopefully) using a lawnmower instead of a pair of long-handled pruners. Rapid. Effective. Painless.
I’ll keep you all posted, if only to scare my mom.
Flawless Touch gadget is online here (ad-affiliate link) and costs £29.99. I have to say it is very light and cheap, for the price, but since writing the above I have tested it properly and it works well. If you have any other suggestions, let me know!
