“I Didn’t Want Him in My Life:” The Pain and Peace of Family Estrangement

It was the first time in 12 years that Gabby had spoken to her father. It didn’t go well. Her sister had convinced her to listen to him after years of trying. WellGabby thought—as long as she didn’t have to promise a specific outcome. Sitting across from her dad, she felt her heart sink when she said she “didn’t want to drag things back,” as she put it. The thing is, he wanted to discuss things from the past. It mattered to her if they were going to be politicians at the end of this, though that outcome was looking more and more unlikely by the minute.

“He denied a lot of facts, lied, denied knowing about my mental health issues and told me there didn’t seem to be anything he could do to change my mind about our relationship so why should he bother,” recalls Gaby, who is 25 years old and I don’t want to share her last name. He didn’t apologize for anything and talked about his own upbringing in a way that Gabby felt was designed to “kill” her guilt about having a relationship with him. “I had the conversation as a favor to my sister. I won’t do it again. He seems to have worked on himself over the years from what my sister says, but not on his relationship with me.’ Gabi believes that further attempts at reconciliation would be futile.

Alienation is so painful because good family relations are automatically expected. In the years when Liam and Noel Gallagher, the famous bickering brothers of Britpop band Oasis, were in a bitter split, and the two brothers were repeatedly asked in interviews if they would work things out. There’s something about troubled family relationships that we can’t let go the way we do when other relationships break down. Facing it is painful. However, the Gallaghers are a unique case. Their recent reunion was made to look easy and their previous conflicts a source of entertainment. They probably also had a big motive: money. Regular estranged or strained family relationships lack this material and emotional support. In the United States, there are a few (though not many) organizations that support estranged families, including Together Estranged and PEAK. The UK’s leading charity helping alienated people cope, Stand Alone, closed down in April this year due to financial struggles and nothing has yet taken its place.

Even if someone dealing with alienation has contact with other family members, those family members are often not equipped or neutral enough to know how to help. Sometimes the involvement of others makes the whole thing a messy hotpot of guilt, arguments, resentment and tongue-searing heat. Twenty-nine-year-old Ebony, who doesn’t want to share her real name, is estranged from her cousins, whom she grew up with and considered her brother and sister. She was terminated last year after a wider family dispute involving their parents and grandparents. “I’m constantly being pressured by other family members, directly and indirectly, to reconcile,” she says. “There are many family members who have tried to talk to my cousins, encouraging them to contact me. This upsets me, because no one should go and ask someone to reconcile with someone else. If that person has to be forced, then it’s not worth it. I try my best not to let it affect my relationship with my other cousins ​​who I am also close with. But unfortunately it affects it and makes things difficult.” The situation has damaged Ebony’s mental health. before the point of no contact, she felt used as a metaphorical “punching bag” by her estranged cousins ​​when the relationship became turbulent. Even if reconciliation was an option, it wouldn’t be easy and she would have to deal with the verbal abuse she was receiving.

Financially, people who are disconnected from their families lack a support system that many of us take for granted. While not every family has the means to help, even if the will is there, many of us have the luxury of being able to come home for a time when life gets tough—when romantic relationships end, for example. or we lose our jobs. Therapist Eimear O’Mahony says: “Many people experiencing alienation do not have the financial, physical, emotional support of family. This may mean there is a higher rate of financial worries and struggles compared to others who have family to help with children or who know they will have an inheritance in the future.”

Therapy can help with the guilt that often comes from cutting off contact with family. Author Fern Schumer Chapman, who was estranged from her brother for more than 40 years, wrote in her book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers that when siblings cut ties, they are left in “a world of secrecy and shame,” even if they have made the right decision for themselves. The emotions that come with this decision are complex and will vary from person to person depending on why they chose to cut ties. Liz Kelly, therapist and author of This book is cheaper than therapysays: “It’s very common for people who cut ties with family members to experience guilt. They may have received social, cultural or religious messages to put family above all else. It’s hard to make a different choice when you’re under that pressure.”

People are complicated and some people still care about the family they cut out of their lives. “It’s possible to love a family member and need to set boundaries because of their behavior,” Kelly explains. “For example, you may love your father, who is an alcoholic, and decide not to visit him to protect yourself and your children from his violent behavior. These decisions are complicated. Most people who cut ties with a family member usually do so after much thought, reflection, and previous attempts to continue and repair the relationship.” O’Mahony adds that alienation can feel similar to bereavement at times because “it’s often not natural to the human mind to accept that we choose not to see, say, a parent.”

Gabby feels lucky that her mom respects her decision to stay estranged from her dad, but she can sense that her mom hopes they’ll be in a relationship one day. Even that must be like a burden to carry. “Over the years there have been a few attempts within the family to ‘fix’ things, including family counseling. But every time he said or did something that confirmed that I didn’t like him as a person, I didn’t think he was a good dad, and I didn’t want him in my life,” says Gaby.

Some people are better off not settling, even with the emotional and financial strife it can cause. O’Mahony says it boils down to whether rebuilding the relationship would be “harmful or detrimental to a person’s physical, emotional or psychological health”. These cases often involve trauma, abuse, neglect and harm, he explains. “Many people who decide to break off contact will go through waves of wondering, Am I doing the right thing? Thus, the decision not to reconcile is only one part of a very complex process. It’s so important to have support, understanding and non-judgement.” Many of O’Mahony’s clients experience stigma around this topic — friends don’t know what to say when it’s brought up, or when questions like “Who are you spending Christmas with?” are asked. “Judgment, confusion and lack of understanding from others can be very harmful.” O’Mahony recommends the treatment for those who have access or can afford it. As Gabby puts it about her situation: “As time went on, I only had more reasons to keep him out of my life.” The best we can do is let alienated people live in peace with their choices.

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