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Welcome to Up & Cumming, where real-life couples get candid about their sex lives and the products and practices they bring to the bedroom to strengthen their partnership emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.
We’ve all heard the phrase “what goes on behind closed doors” when referring to sex. And maybe I’m being a little extreme here because I write about my own sexual preferences on the Internet all day, but I think it’s time to crack that door wide open and pull it off its hinges. Let’s talk about sex baby. Welcome to Most Wanted’s newest monthly series, Up & Cumming, where real-life couples get candid about their sex lives and share what products and practices bring them closer in and out of the bedroom.
This series is not intended exclusively to represent or appeal to the sexually adventurous. Those who are just starting to explore their sexuality and those who simply want to take a peek into the lives of others are equally welcome. Each month, I’ll be opening the proverbial bedroom door to couples of all genders, sexual orientations, ages, body shapes, kinky preferences, religions, professions, and more to delve deeper into sex and intimacy in its many forms. We talk how often, which positions, where, with whom and Why.
One of the best parts of my job is hearing that I’ve inspired friends and strangers to be more open about sex. Whether it’s a new viral TikTok sensation that prompted a first sex toy purchase or a stimulation serum that gave someone an out-of-this-world orgasm, the more I share my own sexual experiences, the more comfortable others feel to do so. themselves. So for my inaugural Up & Cumming (with the help of my fiancee), I opened the door to mine bedroom. Mom, don’t read this.
TW: Sexual assault. If you have experienced sexual violence and need crisis support, call RAINN Sexual Assault Helpline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
Meet the couple
Name: Charlotte
Age: 36
Sexuality: Bisexual
Pronouns: She/Her/Her
Profession: R29 Sexual health and wellness writer
Name: Donna
Age: 32
Sexuality: Bisexual
Pronouns: She/Her/Her
Profession: Market Researcher
Relationship status: Engaged
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Partnership: Monogamous
Duration of Relationship: 3 years
How is our life situation?
Hey: We share a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with our adorable dog, Rory, and we both work from home.
Where do we mostly have sex?
do: In the bedroom, although right now we’re not fans of our mattress. It’s all foam so no good leverage. We should probably explore other places in the apartment, but there aren’t that many other spots.
Hey: I don’t like sex in the shower. I don’t know that we’ve fully tested it. It feels so dangerous. But we love showering together. It’s such a nice form of intimacy that makes us, I think, feel closer.
do: It’s also like 30 minutes of foreplay.
How often do we have sex?
do: I will be real. I deal with severe anxiety and depression, and although it’s treated, it’s going downhill. I have an extreme sex drive, but sometimes I feel amazing. I have sensory issues. Even the smallest thing can derail me.
Hey: We both have many medical problems. Something that has happened more recently with our sex life, compared to when we first got together, is just making time for sex. We must really strike when the iron is hot. If all the planets align, we both feel good, and we have time, we have sex.
do: Immediately.
How would you describe our sex life?
Hey: Comfortable. We are very comfortable with each other. We laugh during sex all the time.
do: This is my favorite part of our sex life — that we laugh literally all the time. I remember there was one time you tried to squeeze lube into my hand, except it missed, and it went all over the place. And it was, like, in my stomach, in my breasts. It was everywhere except my vagina. And I just died laughing.
Hey: I would say my favorite part of our sex life is how encouraging you are and how much you have changed my perspective and relationship with sex in such a positive way.
do: I also appreciate that you never make me feel bad about wanting or not wanting to have sex. You never make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. And it really feels mutual. I don’t feel like I’m ever asking more than you want to give or that you’re asking more than I want to give. I feel very understanding and balanced and nuanced in a way that brings me joy and confidence in our communication skills and compatibility.
How is this different from the sex you had before you met?
do: Oh my God. Extremely. My first sexual experience was assault, so that was basically my sexual base. I thought anything that wasn’t an attack was good. I’ve had a lot of partners who didn’t care at all about my pleasure and a lot of people who made me feel like garbage about my body — and I already had a really bad relationship with my body. But you had such a positive reaction to my body that I think it helped heal my relationship not only with my body but also with sex.…And I was very surprised that I could have orgasms with someone else.
Hey: Really?
do: Yes! And it was really a confirmation because I thought I could only get away with sex toys before. Shout out to Tracy’s Dog OG to get me through all these mediocre sexual experiences.
Hey: My upbringing had told me how scary sex was or how big a deal it was, but it was much more comfortable from the start than I expected and not scary at all. I was actually almost annoyed by how much the society built. I thought things would be, like, new and scary with you. This surely was just a huge question mark: What is sex with a woman?
do: We had a crash together. You thought I’d be a lot more experienced than I was, but you were actually the first woman I’d ever really had sex with. When we first had sex, it was like, oh.
Hey: It wasn’t that different from any other sexual experience.
What else did we learn about sex together?
Hey: Lube is great! That’s what I want people to take away from it. If I hear one of my friends say one more time that he doesn’t need lube… he’s like, have you tried it though?
do: We have a bucket of oil.
Do we have a favorite lube?
do: My favorite is the Lelo Personal Moisturizer. Specifically the one with the pump. I also really like it Unbound’s Jolt Gel, which is a stimulant gel and can help kick-start the mood. It stings. It also has a pump.
Hey: Lube helps get me in the mood, solo or partnered.
Since you brought it up, how is your solo sex?
Hey: I’m looking for how to have solo sex. I haven’t understood it. I think I have certain preconceived notions about when or where I should have sex, and what I’m comfortable with knowing you’re there. So I don’t really feel comfortable masturbating if you’re sleeping in the bed next to me.
do: Even though I told you it’s fine.
How did you have solo sex before living together?
Hey: Before we moved in together, I had a sex toy, the Lelo Elise. It was my first sex toy.
do: Wow! You started strong. I think my first sex toy was $10 from Spencer’s.
So how do you get into the mood?
Hey: I don’t like watching porn, but I like reading dirty fantasy. Shout out to you A Court of Silver Flames. Also, underwear. I don’t know how it started, but we kind of got into the habit of occasionally buying a new set of underwear and just surprising the other.
do: Do you have a favorite set? Mine or yours?
Hey: For you? The red parade. But I think it’s worth pointing out that I also like to wear underwear.
do: I’m definitely a visual person. I like to see your body in underwear. It makes me happy. Here’s something I learned when we got together: I like having sex with the lights on.
What else would you like to explore in your sex life?
HEY: Game integration. It’s funny, I see the most amazing packages come into our house — Love Hamma, I am looking at you. But we rarely use them.
do: Because testing sex toys is a huge part of my job, I don’t want to feel like my job is getting into the bedroom. You are welcome to try any of my games though. There is literally a mountain of closed sex toys in our office. I gave it to you Satisfyer Pro 2and you still haven’t tried it!
Hey: I will! I think we have to be a little more intentional, like, “Oh, let’s try this tonight or, let’s try that tomorrow. Put it on the nightstand.”
do: I would never have thought of that. But this is so true. It’s like, what if next time, we use one of the accessories from the Lovehoney Advent Calendar? He came with restraints and handcuffs which I would like to try.
What is one thing you hope people learn from reading this?
Hey: COMMUNICATE.
do: COMMUNICATE.
Interested in being interviewed for future installments of Up & Cumming? For more information, email Charlotte.Lewis@vice.com.
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